Utopia
Utopia is ultimate happiness. It seems to never exist in ones life, but everyone catches a glimpse of it every now and then. Its complete an utter happiness that exuberates from your soul. Its a wave of positive emotion that sends shivers down your spine and adrenylne into your veins. It moves, it brings forth life into a being. Yet utopia only seems to exist during times of nostlga and ignorance.
Why is it that when you think of the past you only remember how good it was, how happy you were and how easy things were? We forget the bad to survive the future or else we would all be living in anger, fear, sadness and negative energy for eternity. Time heals all.
Yet, as time goes on in my life I find myself increasingly become more and more insecure with who I am. I feel so much more aware that I am gay. I always wonder if im labeled as the gay guy and am the gay that when I was younger I litearlly hated. I always question my feminity, I hate it, I hate my voice along with it. It drives me insane. The constant check up on how gay i'm acting is driving me almost as nuts as it was when I was in the closet. Yet im out, im "accepted" arent I? but the thing is.. do I accept myself? I NEED more confidence when it comes to this. This year, im not sure if its me or not but I just feel like more people hate me for it then I realized last year but then again I question if its just me repenting my inscurity upon others. Nothing negative or bad has been said... infact, ever since I came out its been great and thats why i've always been so fearful. Maybe I make it too big of a deal but theres got to be some negative.... Why is something I hated so much about myself for so long, have no consequences?
Maybe its just me becuase last year was a utopia. Now, sometimes even crowded in a group I can still feel alone. The thing is.. Im not alone.. at all. However, im way more anti social then i've ever been. I feel like in college im gonna be so nervous to start over new, to not have that rock of all these different people that I know to hold me down. I feel like I depend way to much on others for everything. For my security, happiness, Company... everything.
I dont know what it was but im waiting for it to re-exist within my soul, to feel the utter joy that I felt every day to wake up. I miss that. I miss feeling happier and more energized about everything.
Utopia... reality? or oblivion?
Why is it that when you think of the past you only remember how good it was, how happy you were and how easy things were? We forget the bad to survive the future or else we would all be living in anger, fear, sadness and negative energy for eternity. Time heals all.
Yet, as time goes on in my life I find myself increasingly become more and more insecure with who I am. I feel so much more aware that I am gay. I always wonder if im labeled as the gay guy and am the gay that when I was younger I litearlly hated. I always question my feminity, I hate it, I hate my voice along with it. It drives me insane. The constant check up on how gay i'm acting is driving me almost as nuts as it was when I was in the closet. Yet im out, im "accepted" arent I? but the thing is.. do I accept myself? I NEED more confidence when it comes to this. This year, im not sure if its me or not but I just feel like more people hate me for it then I realized last year but then again I question if its just me repenting my inscurity upon others. Nothing negative or bad has been said... infact, ever since I came out its been great and thats why i've always been so fearful. Maybe I make it too big of a deal but theres got to be some negative.... Why is something I hated so much about myself for so long, have no consequences?
Maybe its just me becuase last year was a utopia. Now, sometimes even crowded in a group I can still feel alone. The thing is.. Im not alone.. at all. However, im way more anti social then i've ever been. I feel like in college im gonna be so nervous to start over new, to not have that rock of all these different people that I know to hold me down. I feel like I depend way to much on others for everything. For my security, happiness, Company... everything.
I dont know what it was but im waiting for it to re-exist within my soul, to feel the utter joy that I felt every day to wake up. I miss that. I miss feeling happier and more energized about everything.
Utopia... reality? or oblivion?